It's All Okay

Learning to Lie

2010-01-31T06:49:00.000-08:00

I know it's a stereotype that autistic children or autistic people can't lie. I know it's not true for many people. However, until recently, it was true for my autistic child. I could always count on him to tell the truth. The absolute, complete, sometimes brutal, truth.

Lately, he's been telling stories. Not direct lies to direct questions. More like he'll be telling me about his day and as he gets furthur into the story I become suspicious. Surely a teacher would have done something in x situation. No, he says, she did nothing. By the time he's flying away in an airplane I've caught on. He's embellished just a bit.

Anyway, we discussed it and he's agreed to start a story that's untrue with "I want to tell you a story."

Still not direct lie to a direct question. But I'm seeing a glimmer there and I have no doubt it will one day come.

Just me and he

2010-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'll admit it, I'm a complete and utter suck. So when I realized that older brother will be out skiing tonight and dear hubby will be at work and that means that Patrick and I will have the evening to ourselves....watch out for that big mama smile. :D

We're going out for dinner. Just the two of us. I havn't told him yet, it's a surprise.

I love dinner dates.

Transportation

2010-01-23T05:23:00.000-08:00

Patrick's communication skills were at an all time (for recently anyway) low Thursday evening. He just wouldn't talk about 'it'.

I could navigate him through a conversation about school, about recess, etc. But as soon as I mentioned the bus he insisted he couldn't talk about it.

I never did get the full story. Older brother says nothing big happened. But something obviously made Patrick feel like he couldn't discuss it with me. I assured him I would not be upset nor would he be punished, I just wanted to know.

Anyway, I havn't been happy with the bus for a long time. There seems to be no expectation that the kids stay in their seats or behave in any certain way. Until there's an incident. Sometimes said incident involves Patrick and other times, not. I've complained and discussed it with the principal of the school. He went on the bus and talked to the kids and driver at some point and designated seats to each child. Doesn't really help if the driver can't keep them in their seats. And I do know that Patrick has been baited into behaviour by an older child a couple of times. I hate that and don't know what to do about it.

She's a new driver for us and I miss the old one.

For now, older brother has agreed that when his friend gets off the bus (early in the trip) he will sit with Patrick and keep him occupied by playing a game with him. Not a long term solution, for sure, but will help while we come up with a better game plan.

My mommy instinct wants me to just drive him to school. Again, mommy instinct seems to lean towards a stress free but not-quite-healthy way to get around a problem.

I'm baaaaaack!

2010-01-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Things are going really well in our lives. Suddenly, I feel like blogging again. So here I am!

Updates:

Older brother has been diagnosed with surface dyslexia/learning disability. He's working really hard and doing well. We're finally getting supports in the classroom. His teacher, amazingly enough, has an adult child with very similar issues. He's been so supportive.

Patrick is in Grade 2. I love his teacher. He has almost full time EA support shared with another child. Shared because, aparently, he no long qualifies for much support on his own. Which is great, but I do keep reminding them that his support needs will fluctuate and, being autistic, he will most likely always requre *some* support from them. They understand that and that's why they've purposely put him in the class with this other child...so that there's an EA in the room most of the day. And that's often all he needs. Another body available to help him sort things out, redirect him, help with some school work, or take him on his sensory breaks.

Older brother is going skiing tonight for the first time ever. We're quite active as a family but none of us ski. It's a program offered through the school (volunarily run by two teachers) and he was so excited to take part. Which is awesome because he's always been quite shy and not the 'try new things and take a chance' type of kid (you know, like his brother, ugh, I hate comparing but there it is).

My husband still travels a bit for work but not nearly as much as before. It's nice having him home every week.

Me, I'm sitting here with a nice cup of hot chocolate enjoying my day. Must get some cleaning done.

I'm hoping to blog almost every day. So come on by and say hello. :)

Anxiety

2009-08-23T05:03:00.000-07:00

Not his, mine.

I don't know why I'm anxious about the start of a new school year. When I ask him if he's ready to go back to school he replies with a resounding "Yeah" and when I ask him how he feels he says "excited". So he's not overly anxious (that I can tell anyway).

Gr 1 was a fabulous year for us. So much growth. There's nothing to suggest that Gr 2 will be any different. I mean, I'm sure there will be bumps along the way but that's to be expected, right? And we'll deal with them just as we did last year...one at a time.

I guess I'm hoping that by putting it down in print and getting it out here that my anxiety will fade a little bit. Well, that and I may send a tiny email to the principal to make sure everyone's ready for him next week.

Do you know where your children are?

2009-08-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

I don't. Well, of course I know where they are. But I'm not looking at them.

Ha.

They said "we're gonna go outside and play". Hmmm. Gotta think that one through.

"Ok, stick together."

Ha. Come on, do it with me. A nice big belly laugh. Ha!

Ok, so it's kind of a first for me.

Sometimes I wonder how we ever got to this point. This is pretty surreal. But awesome too.

Wonder how long I can stay away from the window?

We're back!

2009-08-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

So, we did a bit of wandering. But nothing as extensive as we first planned. Not because of behaviour or resistance to change or anything else like that.

We just decided we loved "hangin' out" at the cottage so...that's what we did. Short visit with family and some touring around but then we decided to come home and spend some family time here whilst we still could.

3 weeks till school starts.

I'll post a couple of pics when I get organized. I have two camera cards full of photos that I havn't sorted nor printed. They span at least a year of picture taking. *sigh* Time she does fly by.

Here, There, and Everywhere

2009-07-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

We're heading off on an adventure. Visiting friends and family. Don't know where we're going after that, but we're just going to wander and see where we end up! I imagine we'll be travelling for a couple of weeks. I'll try to take pictures!

Support

2009-07-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

It's so important, isn't it?

We've had a new respite worker coming to our home a couple of times a week. He's fantastic, Patrick adores him, and he just seems to teach by instinct. The best part is that older brother and I can spend some time together...working on school work, picking berries, visiting, etc.

Community support is wonderful too, when it's there. Once a week the boys attend a library camp (just for an hour) at the local library. They know us there, care for us, and I could imagine all the caring eyes watching Patrick while I sat in the corner and chatted with another mom. Both boys have been doing so well.

Not that life is perfect. Nor do I expect it. I do look back at the past few years and sometimes wonder how we made it through. In restrospect, the how is much less important (for me) than the fact that we did. But a big part of the how is the people around us all helping in their own ways, both big and small, to lift us up.

As school starts in the fall we'll face a whole new set of *gr 2* challenges. But isn't it wonderful that they're new ones?

School support is really where we hit the jackpot. We're very lucky (as I've heard such horror stories from other families who have to fight so hard to get the smallest supports) and I hope it continues. It's such a nice, small, rural, family-type school. All the teachers know Patrick and look out for him. The older students also know him and help out. The EA's are magnificent and give so much more than they need to. Even when a teacher might not be the perfect fit I've always found them to be willing to listen and learn and grow right along with us.

I've been known to grumble about lack of family support, having fewer friends post-diagnosis, etc. But after typing this out I truly realize how lucky we are to have such a wonderful support system in place. And I have to give a shout out to the friends who've stuck by us....you're all awesome!

Prince Edward Island

2009-07-09T05:59:00.000-07:00

My favorite pictures from our trip are of the boys frolicking in the ocean. We take them to this nice little inlet where they can go out really far and not get over their heads (see the red glow under the water, that's the sand bank).

And I can't seem to get any more pics to upload. Oh well, more to follow (including Patrick eating mussels and some big, white windmills).

Bits and Bobs

2009-07-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

The fish experiment had...mixed results. Dad and Older Brother ate it up no problem. Mum, through sheer force of will, made it through to the last couple of bites. Patrick, well, he tried his best and ended up eating everything else on his plate followed by a few bites of the fish that, to him anyway, was "disgusting". Ah well, a different recipe next week.

Patrick's having a new respite/special needs worker over today. He's met him in passing at school and seems to think he's ok. I'm hoping this works out so I'll have two people to call upon instead of our (one and only and fantastic) regular person. Sometimes rural living makes things much more difficult...although I wouldn't trade it for anything.

We're planning a week at the cottage in August sometime. Hmmm, I'm thinking much preparation and anticipation of possible issues will have to happen between now and then.

We had a fabulous vacation in Prince Edward Island last month. Still don't have those pictures on my computer or printed. *sigh* Who has the time?

New Campaign

2009-07-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

Patrick has never eaten fish that wasn't battered and deep fried. Mum has decided she wants to live to see her boys grow up so...................fish it is. My goal is to serve fish once a week. Any recipes would be welcome.

So, I'll let you know how it goes. (Did I mention I don't like fish?)

Wordless Wednesday....um, Thursday?

2009-07-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

Well, we all know I can't be wordless anyway. Camp was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Even by me. The only seeping negative feeling was a realization that he will soon figure out that nobody else brings their mom to camp. Still, a fantastic first!

mum is back

2009-05-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was one tough virus.

But, now I'm feeling better and so, on with life. Well, any parent will know that I never really did get a break from everyday life whilst I was sick. I must say, though, that my children were extremely helpful and understanding.

We're gearing up for a couple of camping weekends with Beaver Scouts/Cub Scouts. I'm a bit nervous about how Patrick will handle this new 'thing'. Older brother is old hat so he'll come out just fine. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. I'll be staying at the camp with Patrick so I'll try and get some pics to show.

School will be winding down soon. We go till almost the end of June but some of us less than stellar parents are taking out kids out early to go on vacation. We (the boys and I) are very excited.

Speaking of school. I've been doing a lot of trusting and they've been coming through. So, now comes the worry about class placement next year. He'll stay in a 'regular' class with EA support. It's been agreed that the amount of support will stay the same. We can't really discuss teachers because our enrollment numbers have decreased and so staffing will be changing between now and September. But, I have explained what kind of classroom environment I'm looking for as well as what peers I'd like to see with him (and conversely which ones I'd prefer he not be with) and I feel like I was heard. So, on with the trusting. I have a feeling we'll get the strict teacher who I absolutely loved when she tought older brother. I'll find out a week early in September so Patrick can come in and see his class and meet his teacher before the first day of school.

I'll do another post on older brother. He's not on the spectrum, we're pretty sure, but it turns out he might not exactly be "neurotypical" either.

Mum's sick

2009-05-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

That's really all I came online to say. So much for my new resolve to blog almost every day. I'll get back soon I promise. I feel pretty much as bad as I've ever felt in my life. Ugh.

Patrick alternates between extreme empathy and worry about catching my germs. What a little gem.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

To all the moms and moms to be out there. Happy Mother's Day!

First thing this morning I was inundated with homemade cards, drawings, and one beautiful 'portrait' in paint on canvass. My most favorite gifts. Off to visit grandparents today and to take my mom out for lunch.

Happiest of Days to all of you.

Sadness

2009-05-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Not a long post. I was sad today because a boy wouldn't hold Patrick's hand when they were supposed to form a circle. He doesn't know Patrick is autistic but he obviously knows he's different. The kid is a bit of a brat, and quite immature for his age (he's a couple years older than Patrick), so it isn't unexpected but...it did make me sad because I imagine that sort of thing will happen with increasing frequency.

Note: I also know the dad of this child and let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Ok, that was a totally mean post but it did make me feel a teeny bit better.

Good Days

2009-05-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever Patrick has agreed with me when I've told him he had a good day. He'll often say his day was "come-ci, come-ca" and give one thumb up and one thumb down.

My poor little fella is such a perfectionist. If he makes even one little tiny mistake (which of course you and I know that "normal" children make those mistakes all the time) he thinks it was a bad day and he feels really bad about himself. But this week he had three really good days in a row and finally today he admitted to me that they were good days. Woohoo.

Another milestone for us. He went on a field trip with his school on Wednesday...without me! It went really well and all of us are really proud of him.

I've realized it's been ages since I've posted a pic of my cute little guy. Stay tuned.

Unforgiving

2009-04-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

"I don't accept their apology" he says loudly. "It was purpose."

How many times he's complained that the other children don't believe when he does things "by accident" and yet he's so unforgiving.

He's also turned into quite the little police officer. And he's loud and confrontational about it.

"HARVEY! WHY ARE YOU SITTING? STANDING FOR O CANADA!"

"BRIANNA! YOU SHOULDN'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, IT'S GERMS!"

You get the idea.

We are patiently trying to explain to him that he's only responsible for himself. But how to get that message accross when half his class are little tattletales and he's often the target?

And I don't even think I want to get started on how loud and upset he gets if someone 'butts' in line ahead of him or takes his spot...

Sensory Regulation

2009-04-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Patrick has been wearing a "superman vest" at school for short periods of time. It's basically a shirt that adjusts around his core and gives him a bit of a squeeze. Wonderful results were reported by all. Now, of course, it has to go back to where it was borrowed from. So I need to talk to the school about what their plan is. (my fault I havn't gotten in to talk to them)

In the meantime, anyone use anything like this? I've been looking online at items varying from scuba suits, underarmour, rash guard, etc. Trying to find something that he can wear under his shirt that will give him that same little squeeze. Also considering making something. Any material suggestions? Are there patterns out there for these sorts of things similar to the patterns available for weighted vests/blankets?

Happy Easter

2009-04-10T11:08:00.001-07:00

A four day holiday weekend. Oh, yay! (Can anyone hear the sarcasm?)

With hubby away for work I'm the #1 go-to parent. Four days. Two kids. Hmmm.

Anyway, hope everyone has a happy weekend. The weather has finally made its way above freezing in these parts, so my master plan involves an awful lot of outdoor play. He can run around and scream as much as he wants...only the trees to hear him.

Oh, anyone else trying to limit chocolate consumption this weekend? Theirs, not mine. I tried really hard not to buy very much at all, to try and compensate for the well meaning family who feel the need to supplement.

The other shoe

2009-04-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, not really. It's unrelated to good/bad days at school. But still, did I need strep in the house this week?

Or, as Patrick would say, he has 'bacteria in his froat'. He made sure to educate the pharmacist on bacterial vs viral infections and how the antibiotics fought the bacteria. She was amused, I'm sure.

And, lucky us, he likes the 'pink' taste.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2009-04-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Why do I do that to myself? Can't I just be happy everyone had a good day??

Great day. Super day. Saw some amazing social reciprocity going on at school. Doctor checkups that went really, really well.

I try to be an optimist. I do.

On a side note, I realise my attempts at daily blogging will be boring for a while. I'm hoping once I'm in the habit I'll be able to actually think of something to say!

April Fools

2009-04-03T06:43:00.001-07:00

This is going to sound mean but it was really, really, funny.

I told you about the meeting Wed night that Patrick went to alone. Well, halfway through one of the leaders came out with this serious look on his face and said "Can you give us some help in here?". So I go running in(thinking he's in a fight or melting down in the corner or something) and as I pass the doorway they all (the leaders ) turn to me and yell "April Fools". So I made some parting comment and went back out to the other parents.

Then I thought about it for a minute and burst out laughing. They really got me. They said they did it because I looked so stressed sitting out there wondering how it was going, etc. They did ask later if I was upset and of course I reassured them that I thought it was funny.

Got me!

Boy Scouts

2009-04-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

Patrick's worker can't come to Beavers with him this week. I think I'm going to send him without support and see what happens. The parents sit just outside in the foyer so I'd be there if he needed me but....I'm thinking this might be a good time to see what happens. Honestly, the only reason I send her is to protect him from all the "normal" kids in there who can't seem to behave to save their lives. The main leader has always encouraged me to just send him.

Also, teacher interviews are next week. I think I know what they're going to say but I suppose there could always be a surprise in there somewhere. Patrick is doing very well academically and the social stuff I know all about. I think she might mention again that Patrick hasn't been hearing everything she's saying. I know it's possible he's just tuning her out but it can't hurt to get his hearing tested just in case. Hmmm, not sure how that will go. Well, maybe if the tester is really understanding about the fact that his receptive language isn't so great yet...

Report Cards

2009-03-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

Interesting, very interesting. I suppose it's too much information to get into here in bloggy land. Both boys are doing well though and I'm happy to see them both learning and improving.

The teacher is starting to hear him say things like "I'm mean" and stuff that I've been hearing for a while. She doesn't think the other kids are saying it although I'm not so sure. Anyway, she was concerned which is a good first step. We're having some serious self esteem issues here. I imagine that's normal when they start to be self aware. *sigh* This is going to be a long and arduous road.

Day 1

2009-03-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting my act in gear. Both boys have had birthday parties recently with mixed success. Patrick's was full of quiet "well behaved" children hand picked from his class. Older brother chose his own guests and being the loving brother he is, seems he chose as many similar children as he could. Yikes. Both went well, however.

Self Awareness

2009-03-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

Patrick, through much discussion and soul searching, has found out at the tender age of 7 that he is "different". The school and I have been collaborating and have really been stressing to him that everyone is different is some way. He's been a bit down because he's been told by other children that he's "worse" or "making things worse". I think we've helped him see that different isn't worse.

It's an ongoing thing, of course. And really has been the reason why I havn't been bloggy at all. But I have a new found need to blog. So my goal is to try and get something, anything, down in writing 6 days out of seven...even if it's gibberish. Please bear with me.

Death

2009-01-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

Patrick has been telling me that he doesn't want to die. He's been asking if he is going to die. Added on top of this a child in his class just lost her mother to cancer.

So, how do you talk to an autistic child about death? I'm afraid if I tell him that he will die someday that he'll be anxious about it. I don't think he can understand the concept of 'when you're very old'. Obviously I can't tell him he won't ever die.

He's done extremely well with the death of his friend's mother. He understands that it's really sad and he's trying to be really kind to the little girl. He understands that she was really sick for a long time and that the doctors tried really hard with strong medicines to help her but she was just too sick.

Someone suggesting talking to him about death in context with animal and plant life cycles. That sounded like a good idea.

I'm off to read some books and ask some questions. Anyone have any specific suggestions or book suggestions?

What a happy New Year.

2009-01-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

"Mom, can I have some pop? Mom, can I have some pop? Mom, can I have some pop?"

The most irritating and yet still beloved sound in the world. My little fellow requesting something in a full sentence.

I still remember the days. Make-it-up-as-you-go-along-therpy in the kitchen.

Repeat after me.

"Can" "Can"

"Can I" "Can I"

"Can I have" "Can I have"

"Can I have a" "Can I have a"

"Can I have a drink?" "Can I have a drink?"

"Yes, of course you can Patrick."

Isn't it nice now to have the option to say no? I can't remember how many times we had exchanges just like the one I wrote out. And of course, at the end, I always gave him what he wanted just because of the sheer effort it took to get those words to go together.

I didn't find out until years later about scripting, scaffolding, or any of those other fancy words to describe teaching our children to speak.

Togetherness

2008-12-29T06:24:00.000-08:00

Patrick is loving it. Older brother is loving it. Mom....is trying really hard to love it.

It? It is 24 hrs a day, 7 days straight, no plans except to be together. The three of us.

Yikes!

I love my children. I love spending time with them. We read, and cuddle, and play. But, I'm starting to think I'm going to need a break this week. To do what though? Not only do I have to arrage a sitter, but I also have to think of something to do. *sigh*

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

...Happy Holidays, Happy Chanukah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Thursday to everyone.

I've been off the radar...again. Sorry, things are just really tough single-mommy-ing it right now. Hubby was home for a few extra days but is gone again now till mid-January. The good news is that it looks like he'll be home for good sometime in the spring. Yay!

Christmas morning was an unqualified success. Patrick even leaned over to his older brother at one point and calmly said "I'd like to have one of those" and then went back to what he was unwrapping himself. Bless his little heart. There was no crying, no fighting, no excessive greed...they were really quite amazing. Sensory issues did not put up too much of a fight, nor did food ones.

A Christmas miracle for mum and dad! A lovely Christmas. I'm trying not to think about what the next week and a half will be like though till school starts.

P.S. I will update on the school situation in January. We are making positive progress. Some of my bigger issues were actually dealt with before the holidays. Something they have started that is really working is helping him frame his day before he comes home. An EA chats with him while he's getting ready to go for the bus and they talk about things that might have bothered him that day as well as remembering some good stuff. A whole week with this and he's no longer telling me that he has no friends, they won't play with him, he doesn't like school, etc. Yay. The school agreed that if he was feeling this way that something had to change. We did some watching to see if school was really that bad or if it was more a perception issue. Figured out it was a bit of both. So they're already helping him process his day and the teacher has done some in class social exercises with everybody with hopefully some more specific to Patrick social stuff to come in January.

Obviously there's still more to do. And my p.s. has turned into a full post. *grin*

Happy Christmas everybody!

Circle of Friends

2008-12-09T11:43:00.000-08:00

I've read about this concept before but never explored it fully. It has come up on my on-going discussions with the school. Has anyone seen it working in a school setting? Anyone with children who are either the 'focus' student or one of the 'supporting' students?

One of Patrick's main issues is social communication. He has a lot of trouble communicating his wants/needs and understanding the wants/needs of his classmates. He has started coming home and saying that his friends don't want to play with him. Well, of course they don't. He's big and strong and rough and while he isn't violent he certainly is not the kid you would choose to play a game with.

I guess my main point is...I don't expect everyone to like him. I don't even expect everyone to say yes when he asks to play (although this is the school rule, you don't exclude anyone). But they do need to address the fact that he needs to be taught how to socialize. It won't work just to throw him on the yard and expect it to work. There needs to be some direct facilitation.

The teacher is going to do some role playing with him and his classmates tomorrow as she says he's not the only one who needs to work on this. I'm pleased with that but I'm wondering if we do need to put together a formal 'circle of friends'. I'm also wondering if, in the beginning at least, we might be better off with a circle of slightly older friends as opposed to his peers. The children in his class this year are, for the most part, well, let's just say they're probably permissively parented...and leave it at that.

I'm not a good linker, but here's a link if you aren't sure what I'm talking about.

http://www.autismnetwork.org/modules/social/circle/lecture01.html

Appropriate Play

2008-12-09T06:09:00.000-08:00

Who decides what the appropriate way to play with a toy is? Weren't we always, as children, encouraged to use our imaginations? (I believe I may have dangled a participle)

I was talking to a friend who is trying to figure out if there is something 'wrong' with her son. She keeps coming back to autism but, having met the son, I'm not sure that's what it is. Needless to say, she's tired of people saying negative things like "he's not playing with that car appropriately" etc. But these same people fail to give her any positive advice or help her come up with a firm diagnosis. I remember hearing these things all the time. "He's not doing that RIGHT!"

So what is the appropriate way to play with a car? And who decides?

Tra la la

2008-12-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes.

Patrick has been sick for a while now with some wierd fever thing. I'm pretty sure it's not the flu and his only other symptoms are headache and stomach pain. So we've been watching him and keeping in touch with his doctor. He seems better today. He was lethargic and that's really not normal for him even when he's sick. But today he's playing with his brother. So whatever it was, hopefully it's on its way now. He keeps asking me why he was poisoned?! Not sure where that came from although I did consider it at the beginning, even though he didn't vomit when he ate.

Still talking to the school. They seemed taken aback when I said the trust was eroded between us. I'm hoping we'll get this figured out next week.

Christmas is hitting our house with a vengance. We've started decorating early (for us) this year. The tree is up and the boys decorated it themselves. It looks....well it looks like kids decorated it. I'll try and get a pic later.

I can't remember if I mentioned that Patrick is in my parent's church Christmas pagent this year. He's learned to sing "O come, O come Emannuel" and he has a few short lines memorized. He's very excited, and actually volunteered without my consent (but how could I say no?).

I feel bad that my posts lately all seem to be updates. I need more time on the computer. Yeah, right!

Roses

2008-12-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Dh sent me 13 beautiful long stemmed roses from our local florist with a lovely card. He's away now until the middle of December and he was feeling badly that I would be alone on my birthday. They are lovely, and they've made my day.

Another IEP meeting with the school on Thursday. I've been very firm, refused to sign the joke of an IEP they sent home and talked directly to the principal about how the trust is eroded between us and the school. They want me to sign an IEP that only guarantees him 60 minutes of EA time a day, with another chunk of minutes that says "shared between two classes". Um, nope. Sorry. Not going to sign that. They tried to tell me his support would stay the same. Fine, then I want that in writing.

Wish me luck, I feel strong.

Keeping up

2008-11-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

They grow so quickly. Their needs change. I'm finding really difficult to keep up. It seems I'm often saying "he won't be able to do that" or "how can you expect that of him" only to soon realize that he's past that stumbling block and I'm still there.

I've been missing in action mostly because of school stuff. Nothing bad but some fine tuning that's going on is taking much of my time and attention.

He's six years old and almost as tall as his grandmother. And yesterday he told me that when he's too big to sit on my lap (which will be a sad day and sooner than we both think) then he'll let me sit on his. :) Sweetness personified.

Rememberance Day was a difficult one to explain. I'm not sure we ever got to a satisfactory place with that one. Oh well, there's always next year.

Other than that things are kinda ho-hum around here. I'm not complaining though. We're just kinda moving along at a steady pace.

Oh, we had a play date with another boy on the spectrum this week. Ironically, it was a play date for older brother. But the boys included Patrick in many of their games and they all seemed to have a great time together. Making friends is always nice.

Halloween Boogie

2008-11-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

I spent the day at school with Patrick yesterday. It was felt by all of us (myself, the teacher, the EA) that it would be a very difficult day with the change in routine, the costumes, the excitement, etc.

He had a fabulous day. For one 30 min period I took him away from the competative games (relays and such) and took him to a quiet place to read. Other than that he participated fully and held it together the whole day. We didn't even have to leave early.

We were all so proud of him. Then of course came the trick or treating which also went well although we only go to about 10 houses. That certainly gives him enough candy since his honorary aunt and uncle also gave him a bag full of candy.

We have a hectic weekend ahead but we're on the right track.

Oh, my title. The best part of the day was during french class when the whole class, Patrick included, stood up and sang in loud voices the 'Halloween Boogie' song.

Pot Pourri

2008-10-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

Patrick and I are making Banana Bran (with a sprinkle of chocolate chip) muffins this morning. Older brother is still sleeping, which is wierd but good.

I went to the school to talk to them about Older brother and got pulled aside to ask "so, have you ever thought that Patrick might be gifted?" I gave her 'the look' and basically said "you're not going to go there right NOW, are you?"

She laughed. The thing is, he probably is. He's definately bright. But if she thinks I want him pulled out of class for this right now, while we have so many other difficulties......anyway, I think I got my point accross. It's not like he's super brilliant genius who's so bored with school that it causes trouble. He's just, well, smart.

Ooops, gotta get offline to call hubby. We're in midst of 'when will you stop travelling for work and be home full time with us' discussions. Looks like we're close to figuring out a solid date.

Cheers.

Picture Day and Halloween

2008-10-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

So both my boys left for school today looking like they were attending a wedding. They both like dressing up and it seemed really important to Patrick that he look 'handsome-ish'. Sometimes i wonder how they hire the photographers though. Several times I've just taken them to Wal-Mart and had pics done there instead. If this years' school pics don't turn out I think I might have dh set up a photo shoot here. What good is all that photography education and experience if he never uses it, right?

Halloween. Ugh. I finally bought some candy, just in case we get some trick or treaters (we're very rural and most years get zero kids) and I've eaten most of it. How ironic, since I've not been eating any processed or junky foods at all lately. Oi vey!

Yesterday was a 10.

2008-10-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

I took Patrick to a 3 hour outdoor Beaver event. Either myself or our worker normally attend with him as his 1-on-1 person. Yesterday I felt like I didn't even need to be there. It was just a really great day. He followed instructions, stayed where he was supposed to be, participated in all the songs, crafts, games, etc.

It was just a really nice day.

One thing, I never expected my 6 yr old autistic child to say "okaaaay mom!" like a teenager. *grin*

I you don't see it

2008-10-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Mom, he didn't give me the book."

"Yes he did Patrick, he put it in your backpack."

*checks pack, comes back to hallway*

"He didn't give it to me mom, it must have gotten there by magic!"

I guess he has to see it to believe it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love you Patrick, did you know that?"

"Un-huh"

Pause.

"I love you too mom."

"How much do you love me Patrick?"

Pause.

"Two Thousand and One Hearts....that's a lotta hearts."

Functioning labels

2008-10-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

I keep having to remind people of something significant in Patrick's history. His original diagnosis was SEVERE autism.

I'm so tired of people saying to me "at least he's high functioning' or 'look at that, he's so high functioning he can do x'.

It bothers me because the labels are so misleading. Ate the age of 3 Patrick had no expressive language (he spoke in echolalia, but had no purposeful communication) and little receptive language. He basically could not communicate. It also somehow puts a value judgment on someone. Low functioning = bad, high functioning =good. I don't believe that.

This is not to highlight what's "wrong" with my son. Or to say I want people to see how bad autism is. But when Patrick gets labelled 'high functioning' it seems to make others think he can function at a certain level, consistantly, and throughout a period of time. So they start to expect him to react, socialize, function, etc. the same way as all the 'normal' children around him. And that is not fair to Patrick.

And, for me, that just isn't what autism is. Unpredictability is a bit part of who he is. Yes, he's come a long way. And yes, if he were diagnosed right now he might have moved on the spectrum. But, I swear, if someone points out to me how 'high functioning' he is anytime soon, I'm going to scream!

Progress, for the sake of

2008-10-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Our ultimate goal is progress. Most parents of autistic children (or any parent I guess) spend a lot of time focusing on progress. So what do you do when you're in a slump. When you've pushed your child to their limits and you're at a standstill?

I suppose one thing I do is withdraw. Pull into my own little dark corner and stop everything. As you may have noticed, this includes ignoring my blog.

But this weekend made me realize something. As I sat on the water's edge listening to the high pitched squealing coming from a rowboat containing hubby and both boys I had an epiphany. There they were, in the middle of the lake, and they had just caught a fish. The happiness they were feeling rushed right accross the water and hit me square in the chest.

What do you do when you're not seeing the progress you (sometimes unreasonably) want? You focus on the joy! Realize that progress will resume. You will not wallow in a place of stagnance. And enjoy the happy squeals.

The first incident

2008-09-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

Might as well come out with it. It's driving me crazy. Patrick was in a fight at school today. *sigh*

I'm still getting the details, but it sounds to me like Patrick threw the first punch. There may have been a comment from the other child along the lines of "hey do you want to fight me?"

Patrick grinned and told me "I said yes". *double sigh*

How many times can you say to a kid "it's never ok to hit"?

Going to the orchard for doughnuts

2008-09-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, I couldn't leave that whiney, self-pitying post up at the top of my page. So, why do you go to the apple orchard?? To get doughnuts, of course.

I'm only kind of kidding. We head to the Orchard every year with some friends. We play in the hay, ride the tractor/wagon, pick tons of apples, and have a great day! One year, the boys realized they sold home-made doughnuts. Oh boy! I admit as much as we love apples, doughnuts have become a big part of this tradition.

Pics to come!

When family members treat special needs children unfairly

2008-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Life's not fair. I've known that since I was a small child. But some things just stink.

Let's say an adult family member has been taking older brother for an activity since he was about the age of 4. Even if you adjust the age (if you're one who does that), doesn't that mean that by the time Patrick is 6 he should be taken to attend such an activity? How do you approach said family member about something like this. They've paid lip service to the need to treat Patrick equally but have not come through in any meaningful way.

I think I might be complicit in this and the guilt is killing me. First, before any diagnosis, I nursed Patrick much longer than his brother. Which of course meant others couldn't care for him for long periods of time. As he grew older and his 'difficulties' became obvious, I tried not to ask for help because I didn't want to burden anyone. I would even not allow him to attend some things, mostly due to safety concerns. Over the years, things have evened out in a lot of ways...except for this one activity (which would not be the same if done with me, this is a fun, with this family member, exciting cause mom's not there type of activity).

Patrick is smart enough to know he's being left behind. Smart enough to know that it's his turn. All summer I've been not offering to send older brother, making a statement that we were simply waiting to hear when it was Patrick's turn. We never heard. I was not bold enough to suggest they take him. I want them to want him.

Now it's the end of the summer and older brother has recieved an invitation. What to do?

See, it's not Patrick who drives me to tears. It's the attitudes and actions of others, sadly even others in our family.

Modesty?

2008-09-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

Older brother came home with an interesting story. Apparently a friend of his was in the bathroom and saw Patrick there. Patrick is, I think, fascinated by urinals. Which would be fine except he pulls his pants and underwear right down to his ankles. Um, not ok in a public bathroom. I'm talking with him about using a stall, making sure he doesn't pull his pants down until he gets in and pulls them back up before he opens the door. Hmmm, this should make an interesting note to the teacher on monday!

End of week one and only positive things reported from the school. Also, Patrick is reporting that school is 'lots of fun'. I had an impromptu meeting with the spec ed teacher and she says he's doing wonderfully. The autism team will be coming in to make sure the classroom is meeting his needs. The litmus test, for me, will be when I meet face to face with his teacher. I'll be able to tell, I think, if she "gets it". That will be what I neeed to relax.

I've been doing some thinking about the future. Wondering what high school will look like (when surely he won't want his mom butting in all the time). Thinking about how we would support him if he does end up living independantly, where he might go if he can't quite be independant, if he lives with us till we die then where would he go.....ya know, really light stuff that doesn't effect your sleep quotient at all. *laugh*

I'll leave you with this...Patrick and teacher in class as reported by the EA.

"Ok, so now we'll be having our snack, gym, then we'll be going home."
"But, when do we get to play?" in a quiet, sad, little voice.

Poor kid. We aren't in kindergarten anymore Toto!

On the first day of first grade...

2008-09-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Mommy had a major meltdown.

Familiar Bus driver...check.
Designated bus seating...check.
Lunch packed, previewed, and discussed...check.
Backpack bursting with school supplies and indoor sneakers...check.
A million talks about what to expect...check.
EA to meet him at the bus and take him through the day...check.

I was so nervous I didn't even take pictures. He hopped on the bus like he's been going to grade 1 his whole life; blowing kisses through the window as the big yellow machine took my baby off to independance. *sigh*

I cleaned windows today.

Sums it up

2008-08-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

Since I'm having trouble with blogger generally and specifically with uploading pictures I said to myself, "Ok Leanne, then just pick one picture that might show what your holiday was all

about." Did I choose windmills, lighthouses or lobsters? Nope. Here is my hubby, who would make a find shepherd, older brother who had an easy, breezy holiday. And Patrick. My little Patrick. I believe belovedly mischievous is the word I'm looking for. Oh, and that's me behind the camera. *grin*

PEI in all its glory...

2008-08-28T13:47:00.001-07:00

...except the pics won't load. Ugh. First I can't get into blogger. Now I can get in but I can't post my vacation pics.

Hi everyone, we're baaaaaaaaack. We had a fabulous vacation. The boys were well behaved and we really got a chance to just sit back and relax. The ocean was loved by all. We even met a lovely young man who spoke to himself a lot whose diagnosis we didn't get (obviously, we only met him for a half an hour up in a lighthouse) but whose company was really enjoyable and his parents love for him was palpable. I hope to have that kind of happiness with my children as they grow older. I felt a connection as they didn't appologize for who their son was, and I didn't appologize for mine. Perhaps it was imagined on my part, but I'll enjoy it as a highlight of our trip anyway.

So school starts next week. After I get my vacation pics to load I'm planning on getting serious about back to school issues and I'll share it all here.

Hiatus

2008-08-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

Not sure if that's spelled right. Oh well.

It's vacation time. Hubby will be home for one of his longest stretches yet and I imagine we'll be basking in the wonderfulness of each other's company. To translate I imagine we'll be running around after our ruffians grinning helplessly at each other. Such is our lot in life. It's not a lot, but it's a life. In the midst of this fun we'll be heading to PEI for a bit of a trip. None of us can wait so the air is full of anticipation.

So, I doubt I'll blog at all. I'll try and read others when I can as I enjoy it very much. Enjoy your summers everyone...and your children. I woke up today realizing how fast the last few years have gone and how soon my children will be leaving me.

Catch you on the flip side.

Speechless

2008-08-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

This doesn't happen to me often. *chuckle*

I've started this post several times. First it was about transitions, all throughout life but specifically child to adult transitions.

Then it was about physical exercise, then it was about our neurologist who cancelled an appointment I didn't think we needed anyway. *eyeroll*

But none of these topics seem to sustain me today. I think I'm going to go out and run.

Following the crowd-My 10 things

2008-08-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maddy over at http://whittereronautism.com challenged everyone http://whittereronautism.com/2008/08/15-years-in-a-nutshell-ish/
so here's my 10 things over 15 years post.

1. I graduated high school.
2. Went to college and graduated in Business Finance.
3. Between years 2 and 3 of college I married hubby who I was dating when I graduated high school.
4. Had a miscarriage right after college graduation, at about 12 weeks, and it really changed me personally and changed our relationship.
5. We have two boys, one is autistic, and they're both doing very well.
6. For a while I was very much into midwifery, especially consumer groups and supporting midwives. I once thought I might like to be one.
7. I havn't worked since I've had my boys, so I'm probably unemployable, but I do volonteer work when I can.
8. We moved out into a very rual area and, surprisingly, I love it. So do the kids (and hubby too since it was his idea).
9. I've recently learned I like to travel and see a lot of that in my future.
10. Last week I signed up to do the CIBC run for the cure (for breast cancer) and I think I might be insane. This week I took up running. *snort*

So, that's me in a nutshell. Wow, that sure doesn't seem very exciting, and 15 years has gone by really fast. Like Maddy I won't point out anyone in particular (all 3-4 of my regular readers *grin*) but if you want to do it, go for it!

Housework, cleaning, and chores, oh my!

2008-08-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

When I ask Patrick to clean up his room, he says "I don't know how". When I specify and point to things and tell him where they go he says "I can't do it".

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm convinced I've dropped the ball here. There was a time, yes, when autism prevented us from being able to negotiate something like cleaning. But I believe we've past that point.

It isn't that he doesn't want to work. He takes his dishes from the table and his laundry to the appropiate spot. But there's something about cleaning up the books and tiny little toys strewn all accross his floor that turns him into 'the child who won't do anything'

Tomorrow we're taking the drastic (and a slightly opposite) approach. I'm sweeping everything out into the hallway. If he wants an item he'll have to take it into his room and find a place (and I'm more than willing to stand there with him going through each and every item). Anything not chosen for the room will be given to goodwill unless it's something that obviously should go in the basement playroom.

Older brother will go through the same process but independantly(he does manage to keep a clean room most of the time, but has let it slide lately). Should be a fun day. Wish us luck!

Counting days

2008-07-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

We're all very excited about hubby's impending arrival. Well, ok, he's not getting here for another week or so but we're still very excited.

The first part of our summer was a bit stressful but we're on the home stretch now. When hubby does get home he'll be here 24/7 until just before school starts. Have I mentioned lately that they'll both be in full time school???*grin*

We're also going on our annual holiday. I'm really excited and so are the boys. It feels like the first year we're really prepared AND the boys are old enough to be excited and moderately well behaved.

Oh, and the huge aquaplex with monster waterslide might be getting Patrick's heartrate up a teeny, tiny, bit.

Anyone have any tips for the drive? Games we could play perhaps? We're splitting it up into two days, but it's still about a 17 hr drive (split into 11hr and 5-6 hr). The boys are good travellers but still this is the part I'm most concerned about. Luckily we're in no hurry, so if we see something interesting we can stop and if they really need to get out of the truck we can definately accomodate that as well.

Out of the blue

2008-07-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been procrastinating about this post. Because I'm afraid I won't do it right. That somehow I'll fumble the ball.

In the truck a few days ago older brother, very quietly and someone bashfully, said to me "Sometimes I wish Patrick wasn't autistic."

I didn't know what to say. They have a great relationship. Older brother has definately had to grow up a bit sooner than his peers (and had to put up with a lot when Patrick was very young, we had no diagnosis, and we were trying to get rid of some really difficult behaviour) but they've both been really understanding of each other lately.

Upon further inquiry, he couldn't really explain why, except perhaps to suggest that things would be a bit easier if Patrick's brain was more like ours.

I mumbled something about how yes, it was difficult sometimes, but that we loved Patrick and we needed to be understanding about the differences......I tried to get something in there about how if it's difficult for us perhaps it's difficult for Patrick as well. I tried to validate his feelings, agreeing that yes, having an autistic brother was perhaps more difficult but that any younger brother would be difficult sometimes. It was a weak, badly thought out response.

I messed up. I missed the moment. So now I have to go back and talk to older brother again. I have to get this right. Any advice or suggestions from those dealing with NT siblings??? Help.

Movie Review

2008-07-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Our trip to the movie theatre was a resounding success.

WallE was sweet, funny, and quite poignant. The limp body laying accross my lap made it a tad uncomfortable, but the boys sat (mostly) and watched the whole thing. They were entranced.

I would definately recommend this movie. Just watch out for a couple of early scenes that required hands on ears (for one of us anyway).

On small step, er, giant leap...

2008-07-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a recommendation by Maddy http://www.whittereronautism.com/ (ok, we all know I can't link to anything properly) I'm planning to take the boys, by myself, to see Wall E.

Should be an interesting afternoon. I'll be back to let you know how it went if I make it out alive. :)

Note: The last time we took the boys (we, as in hubby and myself) it went fairly well. The time before Patrick vomitted all over hubby on purpose and they ended up half naked in the truck while older brother and I finished the movie. I'm really hoping for a repeat of the 'went fairly well' version of events.

This will be the first time I take them all by myself. Two on one. That is all.

Update-Long Overdue

2008-07-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been missing. I was on crutches for my ankle right up until the family wedding we attended. The last post is a pic of my boys at said wedding.

I'm pretty much healed up. A bit of pain but I can walk no problem.

The boys are doing great. Swimming lessons are the bright spot in our summer. Patrick's main goal seems to be drowning, but so far the instructor has managed to prevent this. It's quite hilarious actually, all us adults watching and waiting for him to surface while in his mind I'm sure he's loving being under the water.

Something of note. We didn't use the word autism once throughout the whole wedding weekend. We didn't use it as an excuse, we didn't explain any 'behaviours'. We simply let Patrick be Patrick and, honestly, everyone else could take a hike. It was really nice. Sometimes it meant that a relative was talking away at him and he was staring in the other direction. Oh well. Sometimes it meant letting him spin out into the hallway. The bride and groom were both pleased with him. That's what counts, right?

It's not that I don't want to identify him as autistic. It's not that I want to ignore the autism. It's that he is who he is and who he is is wonderful. Obviously he has to follow basic rules of conduct for a 6 year old. It's just.....I'm tired of smiling wanely at a stranger and whispering about his label. Surely I'm allowed, when I want to, to just let him be a little boy in the eyes of others, right?

Best moment of the night....when Patrick insisted on dancing with his mommy. Warm breath on my belly, loving arms around my waist, beautiful face smiling up at me. Didn't notice the bruising on my toes until the next morning.

Many Treasured Things

2008-07-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Ouch and Thank Goodness

2008-07-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I fell down the stairs and was absolutely sure I'd broken my ankle or my foot. Ouch. I managed to get the boys to a friend's house and get a ride to emergency. Not broken! But seriously hurt. So I'm on crutches and some lovely pain medication that somehow makes all my worries go away. Well except for the fact that I'm home for two more days alone before hubby (and his parents) show up for dinner Wednesday night. Did I mention my house is a mess because I was waiting to clean so the boys wouldn't mess it up again???

So I'm hobbling around cleaning and Patrick and older brother are both being extremely helpful. All I can say right now is that I'm sooooo happy we're pretty much out of the bolting stage.

Hopefully I'll be fine for the wedding on Saturday. Hubby laughed and said I was being naively optimistic.

I just wanted you to know...

2008-07-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

"...that I love having Patrick over to play."

Said by one mom of two boys about the same ages as mine after a morning where she had Patrick over while I took older brother to get fitted for a tux. The tux is for a wedding where he is to be a 'ring bearier'. (I refuse to correct him, it's just too cute)

Anyhoo, it's nice to know that other people can, will, and do love my lovable son. *grin* It really put a smile on my face.

Happy Canada Day

2008-07-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

A nice long, lazy day for us with a BBQ with good friends and capped off by heading into town (well, village?) to watch fireworks.

Patrick reminded me that fireworks are a "little bit loud". He seems excited and especially so because our friends bought the boys glow bracelets to wear tonight.

We just ended a game of Monopoly, more excitingly Sponge Bob Monopoly because it was just a bit too complicated for us right now. So back to Jr Monopoly we go. I'm just really glad they've decided they want to play, albeit with much loudness and rowdiness.

Off to make a potato salad, tell the boys to dial the noise level down six notches, and maybe get some laundry on the line?

School, Summer, School again.

2008-06-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

So off hubby goes again. It's been nice having him home and we've had some great family time. Back to reality (well suspended for this year reality but not reality...confused yet?).

The boys both did really well on their report cards. Older brother has caught up to grade level for reading and got an A in Social Studies. Patrick met a lot of his IEP goals. It even says on his report card that the effort he's been putting into relating to his peers has caused some of them to actually seek out his company during play time. For some reason that was really emtional to hear.

The school and I have been working together to prepare Patrick for the new challenges of Grade 1. We've got the teacher I want, with a full time one-on-one aid at least for the start, and they're all very aware that my biggest worry is the school yard. He'll have someone out there with him as well. A social story book was put together and used for the last month of school and then passed on to me for the summer. My favorite part is when it says "Other children might not remember the rules, but I will remember to ________." I think they realize that many of the problems will come from the fact that "normal" children aren't all that well behaved.

Also, a meeting was held with all the teachers to discuss autism in general and Patrick specifically. The Grade 1 teacher told me they focused on what they could do to help Patrick be successful. It sounded very positive.

I'd planned a longer update, but I have company coming and I need to clean myself up a bit. I should be back to regular blogging now so....talk to you soon.

Quick Update on Weekend and etc.

2008-06-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

Older brother had a fantastic time camping. He came home very tired and with lots of stories to tell.

Patrick and I had a fabulous weekend. We went swimming, played games, watched tv, etc. It was nice. I got to see a different side of him. Enjoyed listening to everything he said and watching him play by himself.

It's gonna be a great week too. Hubby gets home Tuesday and he's home for the rest of the month. Can we say "vacation for mummy"? After we pick him up at the airport we're all heading out for supper at a restaurant (one that offers chicken strips and french fries...it's the only acceptable restaurant food). Boys are excited.

Patrick is slowly learning to deal with his anger. He's still taking swings at me when he is upset, but he seems to be aiming them not to hit...as if the action itself is theraputic. We're still working on it. He has his list, in his head, of alternatives to hitting when he's mad. So when I see him gearing up I say "what can you do Patrick, when you're mad you can...." and it seems to snap him out of it a bit. He'll name an activity and head off to do it. No wiggle room if he tries to hit big brother though. Straight to his room till he calms down. So far it's still mostly me. We're keeping communication open with the school in case he starts it with friends/teachers.

It's hard, thinking there's something about ME that makes him react that way. Still trying to figure that part out. I'm hoping with hubby home for such a long period of time we can do some watching and recording to see what's going on. Perhaps a pattern will emerge?

Busy Beavers...ooops, I mean wolf cubs.

2008-06-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

So basically I've been ignoring my blog in order to get older brother ready for cub camp this weekend. I have to say this is a job I would normally delegate to hubby. But, seeing as he won't be home till Tuesday....

Older brother is very excited. It's his first time away from home (not counting family) and he'll be camping in tents for two nights. So exciting.

I'm also excited that he's getting away for a while by himself. And Patrick and I will spend the weekend doing some of the activities he enjoys.

Sounds win-win to me (and we all know how few and far between those can be *wink*).

Triggers

2008-05-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

We all have them. For those on the autism spectrum, however, it seems to be a more intense kind of experience.

I've identified one and, honestly, today, I feel like a genius.

Ok, so maybe it was just that I couldn't see it. These meltdown thingies, the new ones where he seems to be angry and just can't control it, they get worse when I touch him. Here I was thinking I was offering comfort, when really I was escalating the whole thing. Now remember, this child is not normally affected by touch. Actually, he seeks it, bangs into things and people just to get that feeling. So in his every day life he's a "touch seeker".

But, nobody said this had to be logical to me (I bet it makes sense to him). Now that I've figured this out, we're making some progress. We've also decided that when this happens he's to go to his room. I still have to take him there, and sometimes put him back there, but I think it's helping. It's not a time out per se (I've never seen those work anyway) but a place for him to espress his anger without hurting me or his sibling. I also think the small, dim, quiet space helps him to calm himself down.

So if only I could figure out why this 'over' reaction happens sometimes and not others...

Issue Identified

2008-05-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

So I think I'm figuring out why I'm so down, not dealing with everything well, and unable to write.

It's the "newness" of what's going on right now.

I'll try to explain. Patrick has always had x, y, and z problems. It doesn't matter what they are. But it's always been our reality. Sometimes x gets a bit better, or z gets a bit worse, or y might even take a permenant vacation.

So, when suddenly out of thin air, v and w show up......blindsided!!! New behaviours that didn't exist before. Things bothering him that should be fine. The fact that the new stuff happens to be on the more "difficult" end of things doesn't help.

Add to the top of the pile that Patrick wrapped his neck up with strings and I thought he was going to hang himself. He didn't, and wasn't even a bit hurt, but when I walked into the room to find him sitting there smiling....

Self injury is new (and I think we've nipped it in the bud but it was still very scary). Tantrums that aren't tantrums where he looses control and tries his very best to hit and kick me. He's never been aggressive or violent at all. We're talking our way through this one but I can't tell if we're really making progess or not.

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to help me figure out why I'm so scared. Also, a big thank you to everyone who's been so understanding and supportive. It's nice to have such wonderful friends sharing this journey with us.

Not sure what to say

2008-05-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've been missing. Obviously.

I'm still not ready to write about everything. Some "behaviour" issues, a big scare involving possible injury, and feeling like I always have to be in two places at once.

I've been keeping up on blogs, am enjoying reading, although probably not commenting enough.

I'm starting to feel better, on the whole. I'll try and write again tomorrow and see if I can get a trend of posts going.

That Sucks!

2008-05-03T05:21:00.001-07:00

I know I sound like a teenager. And this post isn't really about autism (well, maybe a bit).

I'm trying to find someone/some people to watch my kids tonight. I've been trying for a week. First my respite worker cancelled the whole week (thus Patrick went to Beavers alone as reported in previous post). I called my mom....a short but sweet "no". And my next predicament is this.

I often split them up on purpose when asking for help. Wouldn't want to overload one poor individual with BOTH of them very often. I believe this would decrease the offers of assistance. I have one more phone call to make and I'm not hopeful.

So this is a vent, this is my whinging and complaining about the fact that I missed my parent's council meeting Thursday and I'll be keeping my bottom firmly planted at home tonight.

Missing hubby!

2008-05-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

Around here, we often measure success in little baby steps. Sometimes that makes it more frustrating. And sometimes a particular success is sweeter because of this scale of measurement.

Our respite/special needs worker had to cancel this week. This did leave me hanging a bit (I won't be able to attend a parent's council meeting tonight) but it also provided us with an interesting opportuntity.

Last night, I took Patrick to Beavers planning full well to stay and take the place of his worker. Instead, with a sudden flash of insight, I walked up to a leader, said V isn't here today but I'm sure you'll be fine, had a bit of laugh about how some of the other boys are worse behaved than my son, and left!!! My heart was pounding. I was so proud that in that conversation I wasn't at all appologetic. I pay for him to go to Beavers. They have 4-5 leaders. Surely this would be fine, right? Right?

You bet your bottom dollar it was all right. I asked the leader afterwards how it went. He has ALWAYS been supportive and has actually suggested before in the past that I might want to leave him for a certain activity. He said, and I quote, "He didn't need any more attention than any of the other boys. He was just fine." (Notice that he didn't say he wasn't 'acting autistic' or that he was 'normal' or anything like that.)

It was so hard to leave him but I'm so glad I gave us both this opportunity to experience success. This won't be a weekly thing just yet but how proud am I that occasionally, if we really needed to, we could allow him this little bit of independance.

Hubby's been home

2008-04-28T05:11:00.001-07:00

For the past week. 'Nuff said.

He left this morning so I'll be back to my regular bloggy self tomorrow. :)

Adding or Extinguishing

2008-04-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

I hear a lot about extinguishing traits. From some parents it's all about getting rid of the autism and for autistic bloggers it seems to be about making sure we don't extinguish what is uniquely autism.

So I wonder. Do I add or do I extinguish?

Patrick never did flap. It's one of those things that everyone assumes your child will do. I've even been told that because he doesn't flap, he isn't autistic. But remembering back, Patrick did do this one thing. He used to tap his thumb and first finger together. Sometimes he would just be standing there tapping. We thought it was interesting of course. But in the same way his climbing was interesting, or his brother's latest drawing was interesting. It wasn't until years later that I realized this could be considered a repetative behaviour. Eventually he just stopped doing it...perhaps when his ability to communicate made life easier for him? I wonder if we'd had the diagnosis at a younger age if I would have been tempted to extinguish this?

Patrick's only speech at a young age was echolalia. Absolutely nothing came uniquely from him. So we took him to speech therapy, used some signs, made him use words for requests, etc. Interestingly enough, early on we decided not to try and decrease the echolalia. The result? The sum total of his speech increased. So now he does converse reasonably well, but he also still enjoys repeating things over and over. No conclusion, just an interesting observation. He certainly has a fantastic memory. I wonder how that will serve him in the future?

So, does a parent focus on extinguishing behaviours? I'm not referring to Self Injury here. But simple things that bring attention to your child for being different? Is there a cost to this? How do we decide what to keep and what to get rid of? Is it a value judgment?

My overall philosophy in this parenting journey has been to try and add to my children's abilities. It seems, to me anyway, that when positive things like communication, education, and safety are added to a child's life the need to extinguish behaviours diminishes.

No answers here. Just a lot of questions.

If at first you don't succeed....

2008-04-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

My boys love to play outside. Which is wonderful and healthy, of course. The problem is the stress that it causes inside my head. I have to keep track of Patrick at all times and on four acres of land that can be difficult. I'm ALWAYS worried about losing him.

Today we went outside. I have a very sore back and am tired because Patrick was up with a nosebleed last night. But they really wanted to go out and play in this beautiful weather we've been having. So, I said yes.

Out we go. I find myself a spot in semi-shade...completely aware that I'll be up and running within seconds....minutes....hmmmm, this is different. They're sticking together. They're playing where I can see them. They...they....I can't believe it. We can sit outside and enjoy the day together.

...try, try again!

Do I have to?

2008-04-15T05:46:00.001-07:00

No, I havn't been ignoring my four? faithful readers. :) I've been having a lot of trouble getting into blogger, and I'm not sure but I think it might be my lovely dial up connection.

But I'm back! No please, hold the applause. *grin*

So, the title of this post. Do I have to?

Last week I was talking to a woman, a mom at my son's school, who it turns out works with autistic children. At one point in the conversation I started talking about autistic adults, and how much they've helped me. She made a comment a minute later about how nice it was to see a child "come out of that shell" or "join the real world". It made me mad. Damn mad. But ya know what? I just didn't feel like having that conversation on that particular day. I was already emotionally stretched thin. I had already tried to educate her on several other different topics, like eye contact and how autistic kids grow up and learn just as 'regular' kids do.

So I didn't say anything. Good mom, bad advocate? Do we always have to correct every misconception? Offer information on every subject?

In retrospect, I wish I had spoken. This is a woman who's working one on one with a little autistic girl (I'm assuming ABAish stuff) and I really really don't want her to think that this little girl is an empty shell, or lost in a different world.

She's right here in this world, just like you and me, and all of our children.

Adult Autistics

2008-03-31T16:39:00.000-07:00

pp

I love listening to and talking to adult autistics. I love even more telling those around me that certain pieces of insight or information came from an autistic adult. It makes me feel a bit more secure in the decisions I make for my son.

My son will one day be an autistic adult. I can't wait to hear what he has to say then (that is not to say I don't enjoy hearing what he has to say as a child). I worry about the choices I make...but then most parents do, don't they?

My choice right now. Patrick has just asked if I would read him a story. It's about wibbly wobbly teeth and he has two of them.

I'll finish this entry later. Right now I'm going to read to my son. (And thoroughly enjoy it!)

(pp's added by Patrick, who often feels like there aren't enough P's in the world...another post perhaps?)

That Sibling Thing

2008-03-31T06:25:00.000-07:00

It's been coming for a while now. Slowly but surely he's noticed.

He has a brother! Yep, ladies and gentlemen, there is another person in the house. Did I mention it's a person to chase, scream at (and with), wrestle, jump on, and all around cause havoc with?

*sigh*

I remember the years when he didn't know his older brother even existed. And while I've always wanted them to have a full sibling relationship...well, let's just say I didn't quite know what I was wishing for. To make things more exciting, this new "play together" stuff has caused my older son to behave in ways he never has before.

So, before this realization slowly hit, big brother had all his rules regarding his little brother and little brother just was himself. Now little brother is having to learn all these new rules about having a sibling (an older sibling)...at age 6.

To clarify, Patrick has always had rules. Tough ones. But they've never involved older brother because, well, older brother was kind of on the outside.

Now I'm wondering if there's any way to possibly split them up, even for 10 minutes, so my ears don't explode. If noise levels are any indication, this new dynamic is being enjoyed fully by both boys.

House on Autism

2008-03-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

I avoid autism tv as a general rule. Didn't want to watch Oprah. When I hear about a show running an episode about autism I tend to ignore it. I never tune in to watch on purpose.

So I happen to be flipping channels tonight when I landed on House. I like watching House although I watch very little tv in general so I don't watch anything regularly. This was the episode where they're trying to figure out what's wrong with a patient who happens to be autistic.

What did I think? Well, the 'looking through the autistic boy's eyes' was kinda cheesy. I doubt that's what they see unless they need glasses. But the final scene took my breath away. Not because of it's absolute accuracy, but because of it's poignancy. House says something about how finding out your child will be cured is an 8. But these parents are clocking in at a 6.5 because they know what they have to go home to. Then the boy walks up to House and hands him his electronic device. He looks him straight in the eye for several long seconds. He walks back to his parents who grin like fools (who of us hasn't been there) and pat him on his back and they walk away holding hands. The other doctor looks at house and says "That's a 10".

Wow. I've explained to many people (strangers/family/friends) how sometimes the milestones seem sweeter when it seems like he has to work so hard for them and they're sometimes so long in coming. But this way of expressing it just sent tingles up my spine.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Also Happy "Older Brother's" Birthday. It's been quite a week.

Hubby was home and it was fabulous. The boys were really, really good at a family dinner that I hosted...for 24 people! I lost track of Patrick for short periods of time throughout the day. He was fine, I was fine, yay for us both. He even sat two tables away from me with some older children, stayed in his seat and ate some food (now I only gave him turkey and noodles so this was cheating, I'll admit).

I just kind of realized today that there's no school tomorrow. Hmmm. My brain may indeed be deteriorating. Since I can hear fighting as I'm typing I imagine it will be an interesting day.

Interrupted by nose bleed, third this week and he's never had them before now. Guess I'll be going to the pediatrician on Tuesday.

Adult Conversation

2008-03-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Due to a cataclysmic cosmic convergance (say that three times fast) I found myself without children Saturday night. I also found myself in reciept of an adult birthday party invitation.

Yes, this is a non-fiction account.

I went to a party! A lovely old friend from high school who I've recently been in contact with again was having a joint birthday party and I was invited. The grin on my face when I realized I would be able to go was a mile wide. So not only did I get to talk to adults, play games with adults, eat with adults and have great conversation (with said adults) but I got to spend time with a dear friend and wish her a proper happy birthday.

I will admit my sleep quotient has been disturbed. But, oh my, it was well worth it.

Lets see, details. She looked fabulous. There were lots of great munchies, including my preferred foods of canteloupe and strawberries. Yum. I rocked at the silly putty pictionary game we played...and laughed a lot. I won a wind up flipping cow figure that is keeping the kids occupied as we speak. I talked with perfect strangers who were so friendly. And I got to see my friend (and make sure she knew that I hoped we see each other again soon).

A perfect night. Amazing what can be dropped in your lap when you least expect it and most need it.

Sorry Again

2008-03-17T05:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry to anyone who checks back here regularely and finds no new posts. We had March break so without the kids going to school I've been 'in demand' quite a bit for my time. My uncle passed away and I still havn't told my 8 yr old and so that's been tough. Now that they're back to school I'm hoping to have some time each morning even if it's just to write a tiny bit about the day.

Patrick has been wonderful about the new girl in his class. She cried almost the whole afternoon and Patrick said he was "dissapointed" because they couldn't sing their good afternoon song. He said he tried to ask her if she was ok and then explained to me that she didn't have a lot of words to talk to him but that it was ok for him to talk to her anyway. I think most of her issues with the crying stems from seperation anxiety (probably increased by the autism factor) and hopefully she'll settle in soon. Crying used to really set Patrick off but from the way he described her first day he's dealing with it pretty matter-of-factly. I meet her tomorrow so I'm hoping to get a better idea of what he needs to cope with after that.

He did, however, suggest that maybe she should stay home if she was missing her mommy that much. I explained the best I could about how it might take her some time to get used to school, the environment, the new people, missing her mom, etc. She's 6 and just starting school so I imagine it will be difficult at first.

I did get away to an grown-up party this weekend. So I'll tell about that in another post.

A follow up of yesterday's post

2008-03-05T04:57:00.000-08:00

After reading the comments, I felt the need to come back and explain a bit.

Patrick, when he goes to Gr. 1, will still have an IPRC and an IEP. The LST will still be following him closely. But we've agreed to give him a chance to not have an EA following him all the time. He's not having any problems with reading or writing or speech. He's not getting any extra support for those things in school right now anyway. He gets pulled for OT and I'm not sure if he'll need it next year or not. If he needs it, he'll have it.

He still needs help with transitions which they're going to work into the schedule. They've agreed with me that he needs a dedicated teacher (just to keep an eye on him) on the school yard when he's out there. Obviously in the next months there will be discussions, negotiations, etc. with everyone involved including the Gr. 1 teacher. A level of direct support will be agreed upon with his best interests being the main focus. I have yet to have a discussion with the LST that doesn't start with her saying "What do you think Patrick needs?" or "I think it's in Patrick's best interest..." or "Patrick will definately need...."

It's not even that Patrick appears normal. We all know he's not. But he doesn't seem to need that full time one-on-one support that he's had the past two years. The only thing Patrick has different than any other child in his classroom is that an EA is in the class because of him. She's not even in the same area with him most of the time anymore. I've observed him in a group with other children and just the teacher. I think about this stuff every day. His needs, his progress, his support...It's not a decision I'm going into lightly.

A mentor...me?

2008-03-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

Things have taken an interesting twist at Patrick's school. Well, in his class to be more precise.

A new student! A new special needs student! A new special needs student who will need to share Patrick's EA!!

Ok, after the initial shock I realized that this will probably be fine. At first I didn't know the diagnosis. I was a bit worried. Moreso about next year when they were planning to remove a lot of his support anyway. With my consent, Patrick is doing very well at this school. Now he may be in a Grade 1 class with this child and an EA. Not too sure how I'm feeling about that yet.

This girl starts tomorrow. Today I got some information. I guess after the mom came in and talked to the teacher she asked if she could call me.

Turns out, they're thinking an Autism diagnosis is where they're going. But, their doctor has only requested speech therapy (and has not even mentioned sending her for an evaluation for autism). The mom wants to talk to me to find out how we navigated the system, not only to get the diagnosis but for support and stuff. (This girl is 6, and they've been thinking they could 'do it' on their own but are now realizing they cannot. Looks like now the younger sibling might also be on the spectrum and they're quite lost).

Then, after having a few hours to think about all this, I realize that I KNOW this girl. She attempted to join preschool the year Patrick was there but her parents pulled her after two weeks. I will say that I 'labelled' her autistic the moment I met her. I'm not a doctor of course and I could be way wrong, but since we were going through the diagnosis stage I really recognized her issues as most likely having to do with autism.

So, I'm willing to talk to this mom. I really hope I can help. I also hope I can take away some of the desperation they must be feeling right now. And the first thing I'm going to tell her, after how to get the evaluation, is how to apply for respite.

Oh, and I'm praying for the teachers. This girl only says one word. It's going to be really hard to integrate her into this classroom. I think they will, and I hope they're successful, but it's going to be a long, hard road. The good news is that I know these teachers well and I know they're willing to meet the challenge.

Autism is...

2008-03-03T05:52:00.000-08:00

Oh my. That's a loaded sentence fragment.

What she actually said was "So, how does Patrick show symptoms of autism" or something like that. I admit I was dumbfounded. I had absolutely no idea what to say.

Eventually some words stumbled out of my mouth.

"Um, well, he doesn't do change of routine very well."

What? Is that the understatement of the year? I guess it didn't sound very bad to her because she raised her eyebrows, obviously expecting more.

"Gee, I dunno, he still has some language problems and some processing problems, but I guess speech isn't as big a thing as before, he initiates conversation now. "

Nope, not only still not a winner, but also kind of skips over a long, arduous process of getting him to speak more than echolalia.

"I guess his biggest hurdle right now is social."

Aha, I got her. Social development is a big deal.

"How so?", she fires right back.

*sigh*

I ended with some feeble comment about how Patrick doesn't end at one spot and Autism doesn't begin at that same spot. I said something half-heartedly about how Patrick just is autistic and I'm afraid I just can't point out to you exactly how or why he is, it's just who he is. And a parting comment about how autism isn't just a list of 'issues' or 'manifestations' and it certainly isn't expressed only in the negative traits present in a given individual.

Happy Belated Valentines Day!

2008-02-15T04:33:00.000-08:00

We don't really celebrate the day. It's Patrick's birthday for one. And honestly, hubby and I try to be "romantic" throughout the year so this one day just doesn't seem to be a big deal. Sometimes we plan a date a couple of days after...as an excuse for a date to be honest. And of course this year he's not even here.

Patrick had a fabulous day. The actual celebration is Sunday so I'll post pics after that. It's just a small family party. Should be fun though. Except I just heard we're expecting a Winter Storm Warning for that day. So I guess we'll see how that goes. His heart will be broken if everyone doesn't come so...I dunno...can I pray for the storm to miss us?

On a side note, I spoke with the LST (Learning Support Teacher) at the school. I jokingly said to her "so, you'll be hearing from me soon to discuss next year". We laughed. But a conversation did follow that pleased me. It sounds like I'm going to have input on which class he's in, which teacher, etc. She also seemed very "Patrick-centric". She kept saying things like "best for him" and "your opinion on the fit". Have I mentioned how much I love this school? Obviously we'll wait and see what ACTUALLY happens next year but this definately seems like a positive start.

A parting of the ways.

2008-02-14T05:01:00.000-08:00

Let me set the scene for you.

A small house hidden back away from the road. A long laneway winding its way to its destination. It meets a small country road in what some would call the middle of nowhere. Snow banks towering along the sides. Trees abound.

A lone figure, bouncing, flapping, plodding his way to the road to meet the beloved school bus. The school bus that will stop on the other side of the road. A mother follows not quite quickly enough. She hesitates. Run or watch? She chooses watch. Since a near-miss last year she knows the school bus schedule for any that pass through the area. None will pass at this moment. Her ears tune to the road and she hears no telltale crunch of gravel indicating an approaching car. She waits as her breath catches in her throat.

The figure reaches the road and...stops. A small head turns first to the left, then to the right, then checks the left one more time. Mother hears a voice as loud and clear as if it were right next to her. "No cars mom!".

And the bouncing continues accross the road.

2008-02-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

I miss my husband. I'm doing well but I'm a bit lonely. The snow has been unbelievable and I'm having to shovel our super long country laneway with a shovel because when I pull the tractor out and give it a go I just make a big mess. So my back isn't very happy with me.

The boys are doing really well. Patrick had another dentist appointment and we had absolutely no problems whatsoever. Older brother's getting a bit lippy. He's going to be 8 though so I imagine it's the age. He's been taking over chores though, inlcuding helping with the aforementioned shovelling.

Patrick's speech has been amazing lately. Lots of sentences, lots of back and forth conversation, even talking on the phone to his dad.

The school sure expects a lot too. I have no idea how I'd keep up if I was working. Send this in for M's class, that in for Patrick's class, money for fundraisers, trips, food.....it's enough to make my head spin. It'll get worse too when Patrick's in school full time next year.

We're slowly getting ourselves into a new routine. I feel like I'm busy all the time but then nothing seems to be getting done.

2008-02-02T04:56:00.000-08:00

The boys are adapting surprisingly well to our big change of schedule. Amazingly well in fact. All I can really say is that daddy is travelling for work.

Patrick is practically running his swim lessons. He is such a fish. He'll hop in the water and tell his instructor what they should do next. She's very very good with him. Allowing him to make choices but also keeping him safe. If I can keep getting the difference between group and private lessons covered I'm going to send him every quarter. He thought the indoor pool (in someone's house no less!) was fantastic. Needless to say he wants one.

We've been spending more time at the library which is a love/hate kind of thing. Patrick being quiet and choosing books can be exhausting. But I love to read and big brother is learning and needs as much encouragement as possible so...we go. It's really not that bad. No more "you have your hands full" comments since the last time.

I've been a bit cranky about my blog posts lately. I have all these half finished posts about something...therapy, adult autistics support, etc. but I can't seem to find the time to sit down and do them justice. *sigh* So I end up posting "how our day went" posts. There's nothing wrong with those of course. It's just I have more substance inside of me wanting to get out.

That's my baby...umm...I mean my big boy!

2008-01-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

Patrick had his filling done today. He was fantastic!!!! So was the dentist but I just have to say... I AM SO PROUD OF MY BOY!

We started with the mask. Nice and slow. Helped that he thought it made him look like Darth Vader from Star Wars. We sat and chatted, the dentist talked to me, talked to Patrick. The oragel stuff (to numb the area) wasn't a big hit. Patrick HATES funny tastes especially ones associated with the dentist. He freaked out, the dentist had him rinse and spit and he calmed down after a few minutes. The needle for the freezing pinched of course. I held his hands gently and the dentist put a reassuring hand on Patrick's forehead and said "it takes 7 seconds, let's count" so they counted to 7 together while the dentist injected the stuff.

Then we told him the worst was over...and it was. His lip cracked a bit and he freaked but the dentist quickly swabbed it with vasaline and murmured in Patrick's ear that it would be ok. The drill didn't bother him at all and the dentist was very good at telling him what was going on and being honest about where we were in the whole procedure.

Of course he jumped up as soon as he was told it was over and ran to the treasure chest. Didn't look back just in case they wanted him back in that chair.

I'm really glad it worked out so well. The dentist said if we have to do it again (which we might for one other spot) it would take much less time because he knows exactly how Patrick reacts to certain things and he also knows the dosage for the gas. He didn't quite give him enough at first until I pointed out his resistance to meds in general. He also was on top of things enough to give him a second shot of freezing once the first one took just in case.

So, what else can I say. Yipee. This is a milestone I thought we'd never acheive.

Dentist woes

2008-01-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

We've always tried so hard to brush and floss Patrick's teeth. Well, it turns out I havn't been flossing enough at the back and he's got cavities. Baby teeth, but still they'll need to be fixed since he'll have them still for a while.

His cleaning went...ok. Much better than last time. Still not as good as the first time. They showed him the mask he would wear when he comes in for the filling. Good Lord, this is going to be a nightmare. For me anyway. Patrick is a bit curious because he thinks the mask makes him look and sound like Darth Vader. Hey, whatever gets him through it. I explained about "sleepy juice" to make it so that when the dentist uses his tools the teeth would be asleep and it wouldn't hurt. I'm thinking the "sleepy juice" ie. freezing will be the toughest part of this. Here's hoping he's relaxed enough from the gas.

*sigh*

When the juggler drops a ball...

2008-01-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, perhaps that's a bit overdramatic. I guess I'm feeling a bit fussed.

Librarian checks out Patrick's books followed by my own.

"My, you sure have your hands full don't you?"

"Well, actually considering he was diagnosed with severe autism at age 3 I'd say we're doing pretty well."

Exit library under astonished gaze of librarian.

Ha! I never say stuff like that. I was just so...irritated. He wasn't even being autism-y (can that be a word?) he was just trying to leave before I was finished with my books and of course I had to stop him. Isn't it amazing how there can be that thin veil of critisism in a comment, either real or imagined, that can just send you over the edge?

I can't even say I have a reason to be edgy these days. The boys have been great. Swim lessons fill our Saturdays and Star Wars and hockey games fill our nights. School is going well. Patrick has even learned to play Monopoly (the Jr version of course). Some major stuff is going on that I can't talk about yet but it's nothing bad or anything. Just a big change and a bit of adjustment for the family but not something we can't handle.

So, hubby is bring me home a treat (better be chocolate) and we'll sit and watch our boys play together (a new skill) and he'll probably tell me what a wonderful mom I am. He tells me almost every day and, a stretch of the truth or not, I have to admit that it sure takes the edge off.

Letting things slide

2008-01-11T06:45:00.001-08:00

When was the last time we did "Handwriting Without Tears"? Can't remember. Flash cards for sight words? Weeks ago. Storytelling for speech? Months.

But we've been playing and laughing...does that count somehow? I think it does.

Ok, off the get the HWT books out......

When do you watch and see if they make it on their own?

2008-01-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

This isn't big league. This isn't even big. This is teeny tiny stuff that drives me insane.

So he's doing well in beavers...do I stop sending a support worker? Do I "what if" myself to death?

He's doing well in school. When do I let the school pull support? What are the consequences of failure if it doesn't work?

He stopped running out in front of traffic. When do I let him play outside with me watching from inside?

God, I'll never get through the big stuff (living alone??????) if I can't figure out a way to stop this small stuff from driving me insane.

Today

2008-01-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

They're driving me nuts. It's funny how for days at a time everything is wonderful and then....kaput. Ok, they're not that bad but I am increasingly ready to send them to school.

Oh, and how's this for cute?

2008-01-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

So things around here have been....busy. Not bad really just a bit crazy. Everyone is so excited. Besides, it's been a while since I've had to occupy Patrick all day every day. I think I've gotten soft while he's been attending school.

Christmas went well. We cheated for New Years and put the boys to bed at 10pm. So we sat quietly we two and watched a movie together (and cuddled of course). It was very nice to find that time to be quiet together. Very nice.

Happy New Year to everyone. I spent a few moments today thinking of and being thankful for each and every one of you who read and comment here on my blog.

So, 2008. Possibly new job for hubby. Bit of a change in routine if he has to travel for work. Gr.1 for Patrick. Summer wedding in hubby's family. Our 10th wedding anniversary. I'm taking a french class in the summer to brush up for my inevitable return to work. Adding a new foyer and front sitting room to our home and also adding a second bathroom (one gal, three dudes...you do the math!).

Well, I managed to get online for a few minutes to post this while hubby and the boys watch a movie. I'll try and be back again soon...definately once school starts monday!

Wordless Wednesday - Meow!

2007-12-12T06:16:00.001-08:00

What else can I say?

Decisions and Hindsight

2007-12-11T04:56:00.000-08:00

Last week, Patrick lost his voice. I asked all the appropriate questions and got no answers. When his EA asked him he said he was sick. No fever, no cold symptoms. When I asked him again he told me "the bacteria are attacking my throat cells". Huh??? He never did say anything hurt.

So Friday I decided a sore throat (I was guessing) for 3 days plus swollen glands merited a trip to the pediatrician. I called first to ask if lack of fever meant he was fine. She suggested we come in. She took a throat swap and prescribed antibiotics. Patrick's never taken them before so I was worried how he would tolerate them (my gramdma is allergic). I asked if she wanted me to wait till the results came back before starting the meds, since if it was viral they would do nothing. She advised me to start them because if it was bacterial he'd be able to go to school on Monday if he was on them for two days. I felt silly but for once didn't argue and just did what I was told.

Got the call yesterday. It is indeed strep. I am so glad in hingsight we did what we did. He's looking so much better and able to go to school. And, apparently, you can have strep with no fever. Go figure!

2007-12-10T06:21:00.000-08:00

The tree is up! Yay! And Patrick seems to have no problems leaving it alone. He did want to pic up a bell and ring it...he asked first...then he put it back on the tree. Now that I can live with.

We got some shopping done this weekend while our respite worker watched the boys. Hubby did really well considering he's such a scrooge. Can you really blame him though? For the past 9 years he's been our sole source of income so I could stay home, first for a short period of time when the boys each were born and, eventually, because I didn't feel I could put Patrick with anyone else. So it can be tough. He's stressed and trying so hard to provide. And I have to go out and insist on buying gifts for people, some of whom aren't his favorite people (the question "what have you done for me lately" comes to mind). But he was good and it went well and now I feel bad because I can't seem to not give gifts even when we can't afford them.

There, that's the only griping I'm going to do about money. On to the joy and fun of the holidays. Last year was Patrick's first year understanding Christmas so this year I think will be super fun because he knows what's coming.

Christmas Decorating

2007-12-06T06:10:00.000-08:00

*sigh* 'nuff said.

Ok, I'll elaborate. Christmas decorations are evil. Whoever decided that hanging sharp, throat sized, shiney, or breakable items all around a house with children in it was a good idea????

I think this year might be better. Last couple of years our tree was up for about 4 days. I had to keep stopping Patrick from climbing it.

This year will be better, I think.