I cried...
Yesterday wasn't a bad day. It wasn't a good day. It was just a day. And I cried.
Older brother was dancing in a school assembly. He wanted me to attend and I really wanted to go. So I packed Patrick up, drove to the school and settled in to the gym. I had been told that older brother's class would be one of the first so I was prepared to sit there for a short time amusing Patrick. The order was changed and we had to sit for over half an hour before older brother's dance. Patrick wasn't bad, he talked and made some noise and really didn't want to sit still but on the autism scale this really didn't register too high. He didn't understand why he wasn't sitting with the other kids as he would if it was in the afternoon and HIS class was attending an assembly. Honestly we've had much worse mornings than this.
When we got out to the truck I put Patrick in his seat, gave him his packed lunch (I'll explain why in a minute) and lay my head down on the steering wheel and cried. Sobbed. It was just so unfair that I couldn't go enjoy older brother perform without having to deal with all this....stuff. I couldn't get pictures because I was afraid Patrick would run out of the gym. I could only kind of watch older brother through Patrick as he was trying to hug me and convince me we should leave. It made me sad. Not angry at Patrick or Autism, not stressed, worried or tired. Just overwhelmingly sad and perhaps a little self pity mixed in there just so I can feel guilty about my feelings later. *sigh*
The packed lunch was because Patrick had an EEG appointment in the afternoon. It was anticlimactic. He did pretty well, they got a good trace, now we have to wait for the results.
It's amazing though how one benign incident in the course of one relatively calm day can just break your heart. I'm so glad older brother and I are getting away together alone this weekend. We both need it.
As an added thought: I do feel guilty about writing this post but I'm going to push the publish button before I think about it too much. It's an honest post and I want to leave it that way.
Older brother was dancing in a school assembly. He wanted me to attend and I really wanted to go. So I packed Patrick up, drove to the school and settled in to the gym. I had been told that older brother's class would be one of the first so I was prepared to sit there for a short time amusing Patrick. The order was changed and we had to sit for over half an hour before older brother's dance. Patrick wasn't bad, he talked and made some noise and really didn't want to sit still but on the autism scale this really didn't register too high. He didn't understand why he wasn't sitting with the other kids as he would if it was in the afternoon and HIS class was attending an assembly. Honestly we've had much worse mornings than this.
When we got out to the truck I put Patrick in his seat, gave him his packed lunch (I'll explain why in a minute) and lay my head down on the steering wheel and cried. Sobbed. It was just so unfair that I couldn't go enjoy older brother perform without having to deal with all this....stuff. I couldn't get pictures because I was afraid Patrick would run out of the gym. I could only kind of watch older brother through Patrick as he was trying to hug me and convince me we should leave. It made me sad. Not angry at Patrick or Autism, not stressed, worried or tired. Just overwhelmingly sad and perhaps a little self pity mixed in there just so I can feel guilty about my feelings later. *sigh*
The packed lunch was because Patrick had an EEG appointment in the afternoon. It was anticlimactic. He did pretty well, they got a good trace, now we have to wait for the results.
It's amazing though how one benign incident in the course of one relatively calm day can just break your heart. I'm so glad older brother and I are getting away together alone this weekend. We both need it.
As an added thought: I do feel guilty about writing this post but I'm going to push the publish button before I think about it too much. It's an honest post and I want to leave it that way.
posted by mumkeepingsane | 7:19 AM
4 Comments:
It happens and all the time. I couldn't get the boy a burger at the open house b/c I had the little one. So knowing in advance I couldn't we had burgers and fries at home. BUT, he wanted to play on the school playground equipment so we did that instead.
Compromise.
S.
Well, yes, in a perfect world a perfect parent would never feel sorry for themself. Unfortunately none of us are perfect.
I grew up in a large family. I'm sure that my parents had lots of moments where they couldn't do something that they liked with one child because they had to attend to something with another. As soon as you have more than one child, attention has to be shared.
Families are the ultimate socialist society. Each member gives what they are able, and each needs to be attended to according to their needs. Each member's needs will differ over time, and the other members of the family adjust accordingly. That's always been the system that keeps families working most efficiently.
You're doing fine. And I'm sure that you'll continue to do so. And as you stated, you'll feel better after doing something alone with your older one, which will also fulfill one of your needs.
I know it is rough.
But I think it was a success because older brother wanted you there and you were there. He probably doesn't realize that you weren't able to focus and see every second of his shining moments. What matters is that you were there! Still I know that you are going to feel disappointed...that is natural!
Hang in there! It sounds like Patrick managed to hold it together for a lengthy event AND older brother got to shine. I think it was a pretty successful day. (Not to mention a successful EEG!)
Life can feel pretty darned hard...but I think you are doing amazing!
I have days like this too. We have gone somewhere and then had to leave QUICKLY because TC had a meltdown. I have cried all the way home before because of this.
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