Is it really possible?

I'm bored! Well, that never happens. I guess I should go enjoy it.

The boys are watching a movie, together. Huh?

I don't even know what to write about. Sometimes I get tired of identifying everything with autism. It's interesting, I'm sure, to hear me explain to friends and family that Patrick is being naughty in a particular situation, not because he's autistic but, because he's 5 years old!

Sometimes I don't even tell people Patrick's autistic because I don't want to see that pitying look on their faces and hear "oh, I'm so sorry". Cause you know then I'll have to tell them why they shouldn't be sorry for us. About how wonderful life can be with a special little guy like Patrick. How I've grown as a mom and a person because of him. How happy and productive his little life is and will be in the future.

Ok, off to find something interesting to do to. Alternatively I suppose I could wait 5 minutes for the boys to liven life up for me. :)

Summertime

Decisions. Life is full of them. And every single one of them feels, at the moment, like the most important one you'll ever make. In restrospect, of course, we realize it wasn't that big of a deal. But at the time.....

To schedule or not to schedule; That is the question.

So far the only thing I've arranged for this summer is swim lessons. We'll also be taking a week long holiday in the maritimes. Otherwise, I've planned nothing.

Camps? Busy work? More Therapies?

I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I like just hanging out with my kids but is that ok for them? I can picture a summer of playing in the park, sports in the front yard, swimming at the pool, visiting museums.....but is that good for them? Beats me!

Strength

Today as I was putting the assorted bikes and cars away in the shed I started thinking about strength. Not the physical kind of strength but that inward strength we all need to draw on from time to time.

I think this might be the biggest gift Patrick's uniqueness has given me. The understanding that I have an internal strength. He's shown me so many good qualities in myself that I have never seen before. My ability to cope under stress, a gift for multi-tasking, and definately bravery in unknown situations. He's shown me the underlying strength in my marriage. He's helped me to realize that when I feel all is spent, that I've reached the bottom of my emotional reserves that, yes, there is a tiny bit more strength there if I really need it.

He's helped me to uncover my closet advocate. He's reavealed to me a deep passion I can hold for a cause dear to me. He's taught me that I'm smart, resourceful, and calm under pressure.

I think, most of all, through his own strength of character he's shown me mine.

Agression and violence

Here's something I've been taken to task for lately.

I do not think accomodation and acceptance of an autistic person should include accepting violence.

Someone said she thought her family was over reacting because her son thought hitting and kicking was playing with his cousins. I tried to be understanding of how she must be feeling but I kept thinking "violence is never ok". Another person mentioned that all NT kids go through that phase too and so it was no big deal. To me it is a big deal and I would do everything I could to stop my NT son from exhibiting those behaviours too.

We have, in the past, had to sit next to Patrick every second of a visit to see family so he didn't hurt himself or someone else. I feel that is my responsibility as his parent. No child should have to accept physical violence because another child is autistic and doesn't understand what they are doing.

I feel very stongly about this. I blogged before about feeling that although my son deserved an education, if I ever thought he would hurt other children I would not send him to an integrated setting.

Is my 'no excuses for violence' way of thinking really that off base? Nobody in the conversation (all autism moms) agreed with me and all felt that the family should be more understanding.

Quesadillas

Well I'm sure I didn't spell that properly. This is the new food. Not only can he pronounce it but he likes salsa on it. Huh??? This child never ceases to amaze me.

Translations

I'm a teddy bear = hug me tight
Can I love a cookie = Can I have a cookie (love often means have but not always)
I don't want = no (it's funny that he uses more words rather than less but there it is)
You meet me = it's your day to volonteer at school
uuuuaaaaagghh = I can no longer talk to you so please leave me alone
*series of loud grunts* = I am mad at you and will continue to do this until I'm ready to stop
Can I go outside = I already have my shoes on, I'm halfway out the door and I have my bike helmet on

I dunno why I wanted to blog some of these. He's just so darn cute sometimes and I'm starting to be proud of my ability to translate.

Time away

Life can be so hard to balance sometimes. But lately we've been doing a pretty good job. This past weekend older brother and I went to scout camp and Patrick stayed home with daddy. I think a good time was had by all.

And, now that the boys have spent some 1 on 1 time it's our turn.

Mommy and Daddy are abdicating for a WHOLE WEEKEND! Yes, you heard me correctly. Left in the safe care of my parents our children will be well supervised and we are going to a hotel. Zipideedoodah is all I can say. I'm so freaking excited I can hardly sit still. We havn't been away this long together since before we had the kids and, although we've left them for shorter periods of time, this time off is long overdue.

We're going to do a bit of everything. Laze around, watch tv, eat junk food, go to a concert, maybe go to the movies, a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant and plain old shopping we can never seem to get done.

Nice

Said as I watched Patrick eat his daily Peanut Butter and Fruit spread sandwich 'cut in quarters with the squares'......"I love you Patrick!"

Said back to me with no prompting, no stopping his eating and no change in facial expression, "I love you too mom" as if he said it every day.

Heart swelling, tear inducing, euphoria creating moment I will never forget. Apparently a normal no-big-deal moment in the opinion of my darling little boy.

I cried...

Yesterday wasn't a bad day. It wasn't a good day. It was just a day. And I cried.

Older brother was dancing in a school assembly. He wanted me to attend and I really wanted to go. So I packed Patrick up, drove to the school and settled in to the gym. I had been told that older brother's class would be one of the first so I was prepared to sit there for a short time amusing Patrick. The order was changed and we had to sit for over half an hour before older brother's dance. Patrick wasn't bad, he talked and made some noise and really didn't want to sit still but on the autism scale this really didn't register too high. He didn't understand why he wasn't sitting with the other kids as he would if it was in the afternoon and HIS class was attending an assembly. Honestly we've had much worse mornings than this.

When we got out to the truck I put Patrick in his seat, gave him his packed lunch (I'll explain why in a minute) and lay my head down on the steering wheel and cried. Sobbed. It was just so unfair that I couldn't go enjoy older brother perform without having to deal with all this....stuff. I couldn't get pictures because I was afraid Patrick would run out of the gym. I could only kind of watch older brother through Patrick as he was trying to hug me and convince me we should leave. It made me sad. Not angry at Patrick or Autism, not stressed, worried or tired. Just overwhelmingly sad and perhaps a little self pity mixed in there just so I can feel guilty about my feelings later. *sigh*

The packed lunch was because Patrick had an EEG appointment in the afternoon. It was anticlimactic. He did pretty well, they got a good trace, now we have to wait for the results.

It's amazing though how one benign incident in the course of one relatively calm day can just break your heart. I'm so glad older brother and I are getting away together alone this weekend. We both need it.

As an added thought: I do feel guilty about writing this post but I'm going to push the publish button before I think about it too much. It's an honest post and I want to leave it that way.